Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Doctor Notes | My EEG at Austin Neurological Clinic

This afternoon I had an EEG scheduled. I was not a happy camper. I admit that I absolutely detest all medical buildings and the people that inhabit them. Just thinking about going to one puts me in a horrible state of anxiety. Shout the word "Hospital!", and I'm bound to bolt out the door before the "p" sound creates the natural lisp sound in the word. When you've been to as many doctors as I have you tend to notice that most medical personnel are simply smart sheep. It sounds like an oxymoron, but let me assure you that it's possible to both be someone that is complacent and someone that is smart.

But, I digress. On my way to the EEG room I snagged a 'Neurology Now' magazine. I'm always on the lookout for information and when I see a free magazine like this one I take it so I can examine it later for sources. 

A portly man with a mousy brown comb over escorted me to the cluttered and slightly unseemly exam room with a cheap mirror bolted to the wall with plastic hooks and yellow fluorescent lights that instantly offended my eyes. He asked me to sit in a leather backed chair which was located next to a box of wires that were meant for my head. He began attaching them and the glue's chemical composition changed the entire smell of the room. My eyes began to water and I coughed. He paid me no mind and continued to apply the glue and attach a wire. I asked him to open a door and ignored me so I asked him again. He impatiently cracked open a door and continued with what he was doing. Bill had followed me into the room, but I told him to go sit out in the waiting room where he wouldn't get chemical poisoning. Yes, the odor and fumes were that bad.

My head pounded, the wires were attached and he asked me to lay down and covered me with a sheet. I was told I could lay on my stomach or my side or however I was comfortable as long as I closed my eyes. I lay as still as I could. It was uncomfortable laying there. I couldn't find a comfortable place for my arm or my hand. My back was doing that movement thing again and my right shoulder and hand weren't cooperating either. I was in pain, too, so that didn't help either. I actually wanted to go to sleep just so I could do something since I was bored sitting there without anything to do but sleep. Just as I was drifting off to sleep he woke me and told me to lie on my back. Then the strobe lights started. Omigawd, they hurt like a bitch. I am extremely sensitive to light. I thought I was going to start crying, but I didn't. I did, however, have convulsions. When it was over I slowly walked to the waiting room to meet Bill. I was exhausted and my head hurt and I felt like I was going to throw up. 

Bill got me a sparkling water and I looked at the Neurology Now* magazine I had picked up in the doctor's office. On the front cover the words, "Does medical marijuana ease neurologic symptoms?" popped out at me. 

Omigoodness! I didn't even read the magazine when I picked it up! What a happy, happy gift from the universe! The article discusses the promise of medical marijuana and a highly respectable neuropsychiatrist from a respectable university (I can't remember which one right now) states that marijuana shows much promise and there is much need for independent neurological research studies! I know it's not a coop, but it's a step in the right direction and that makes me KNOW that I'm doing the right thing. In my heart (and that's what's taking over these days) I KNOW that I am going to have a way better quality of life than anyone that chooses the ineffective, yet dangerous yellow pill road.

It's good to feel the certainty that I now feel. And it's good to remember that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. It gives me a little more peace to know that my journey will not just be a bit more secure, but  my step will be light as well!

*Neurology Now articles are available for free online and for your iPad. See the above link.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Treatment Plan | THE Original Treatment Plan includes Mind Powerful Meditation

I haven't blogged or written much about my symptoms lately. I've been taking a mental break from it all. I think I've been getting so caught up in trying to document every single little itty, bitty thing that I've missed the big picture.

I've been enjoying my children. It's been semi-sweet thinking that I might leave them to go to another state as a medical marijuana refugee. My children are young and impressionable and they desperately need me and I need them. I don't want to leave them, so when I see them I hug on them extra tight and smile extra big. They make me so happy! They are so beautiful inside and out and I'm a proud mother. :)

My cornerstone, my rock, my everything has been Bill. He has been here with me from the beginning. It was shaky between us at first. We didn't know how we were going to deal with whatever disease I had together. He wasn't sure that he could take care of me if it came down to it. It has come down to it and it's working beautifully. He holds my hand when I need it, gets my ass up when it needs to be, motivates me to be doing something that makes me happy. He watches me silently and he is noticing my symptoms. He's my extra pair of eyes. He is not a passive observer in my life. He's an active partner to me in every way. He always has my back. I can always count on him and I trust him like none other. I'm a lucky, lucky woman and I count my lucky stars every single minute, no...every single second of the day for him.

But it is his urging that makes me document this when I really don't want to...

My arms H U R T. They fucking hurt. They won't fucking stop hurting. i just want them to fucking stop hurting. why the fuck do they hurt????????????????????

Deep breath. Wipe tears.
Another one.
Wipe again.

The tremors are coming back just a little bit, but not a lot. The wrist is starting to bend again, but not a lot. The pain was getting better, but today it's worse. Those are my physical symptoms.

Writing this has made me cry, but the rest of the day was beautiful. I had a very nice day with my sleeping prince. Bill really does make all of this so much more bearable. I do enjoy my life. I do enjoy the work that I'm doing to help legalize marijuana. It is remarkable and very rewarding work.

This morning we were having breakfast and I happened across a faux report stating that Texas had legalized marijuana. I didn't know it was fake. I read it once. My heart was beating quickly. I read it twice. Tears started streaming down my cheeks. Bill joined me and he asked me if it was true. I said that I didn't know, but wouldn't it be fucking awesome?!? We smiled largely at each other through our tears. And then we found out it was fake.

So, because my arms hurt and I can't yell at them, I'm going to yell at Snope. YOU MOTHER FUCKING BASTARDS!!!! We have sick children that are separating and migrating away from their parents just to have a better quality of life! Please don't make this worse for them and for the rest of us waiting in dire need! Please have hearts!

The reward hasn't come yet obviously. Texas has not legalized marijuana through some miraculous bill. I mean I thought it was fishy to read that Perry was doing it. Wasn't he indicted? Wouldn't that mean this power is suspended or something?  Anyway, the reward is coming. It will be here soon. I believe that medical marijuana will come to Texas and I'm going to fight for it until it does.

(That was important to note, but what's more important to get back to is my original thought. I had to reread what I had just written to get it. It's a memory thing that I'm dealing with. We'll have to get used to it together as reader and writer...)

The big picture...There's a bigger picture here than just my symptoms and Bill and me. There's the universe. Somehow it's brought all this together.... Every single piece of it is as it should be...for whatever reason that has yet to be revealed. I trudge on in positivity usually, but lately I'm floating around. My love for Bill and his for me is radiating between us and I'm channeling it again in my chest. I feel it floating there like a ball of fire. I'm channeling it into my arms. I feel the energy pulsate  down my shoulder through my elbows and down through my fingers. I'm getting back to my original plan. I'm getting back to this plan of healing myself with the sheer will power of my mind and I'm going to do it with the love that I'm feeling right now.  I'm channeling that into belief that I will be well and I'm going to do find more to back it up by meditation. I'm going to elevate above this consciousness.  I've been collecting medications, but it's time to find some news ones to inspire me, too....My original plan included cannabis oil and I just realized that I have every single ingredient together that I put on my vision board!!!! Now it's time to get to work!

Oh? That big picture? Yeah, well, I'm getting to work!!!! You want to find out what's going on in my head? Follow me on Facebook most of all, Instagram second of all and Twitter if you must! ;p

Monday, September 15, 2014

Wellness Journal | Progression Notes

Pain Level: 
4 out of 10. (10 being the worst). This morning when I woke my pain level was 7.5. I smoked a couple of puffs, approx. .125 g, then took a tsp of canna-coconut oil, then took my morning dose at 8 am, so OF COURSE I'm felling better!!! Yay!!!

My arms hurt like a bitch. It's difficult to move them. And we had a little bit of a difficult time this morning finding a position to make love because my arms weren't comfortable.

Progression notes: 
I'm starting to feel like I'm improving. My tremors have improved drastically!!!!!! My wrist is pretty straight although it still has pain. My fingers still cramp. My shoulders are stiff. I'm having a difficult time turning my neck. Holding things or doing things with my right arm is painful. My feet are still moving on their own and doing that high heel position when I walk. My cognitive dysfunction is continuing with memory problems, forgetting words, and having difficulty spitting words out. These are still better than they were last week when I went to the hospital.

The only therapy I'm doing right now is that canna oil and I'm disappointed in myself. But rather than beat myself up, today I am going to do one thing on my wellness plan. I'm going to sit down and create a NEW one.

Happiness Level:
2 out of 10.
(10 being the worst.)

Stress Level: 
4 out of 10.
(10 being worst.)

Bedtime and Sleep issues from last night:
Got really tired after increasing my nighttime dose and went to bed at 10:30 pm.

Wellness Journal | Symptom: Stutter, Balance Problem, & Dyskinesia

Extreme stuttering due to being stuck. Couldn't get the word out. Words ran together when spoken. Real balance problem, stumbling. Dyskinesia in my feet. Bill thought I Looked like I had a stroke.

It lasted all day.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Treatment Plan | The Secret: Belief is Half the Battle to Wellness

I've been receiving messages from the universe telling me to get serious about my health. I haven't been keeping up with my wellness plan lately. I'm just going with the flow everyday trying to stay afloat, but that is no way to live.

I have something I need to accomplish. I need to be well, but I think there's something holding me back...I've been listening to a lot of law of attraction podcasts and one caught my attention. It said that the best way to get what you want is to make a list of cons for the thing that I want. So, here goes nothing...

List of Cons for getting well
  1. I won't be able to write with a boring 9 to 5 job. 

It's good to know there's only one thing holding me back from getting better! That's good, but this con list is not what's holding me back. I think what's holding me back is my negative self talk. I am always on the lookout for symptoms and I find that each time my symptoms are bad that my negative self talk turns up the volume. I'm sure that it's having a negative impact. The more I think negatively about it the more it promotes bad health because that's the law of attraction. The more you think about something, good or bad, the more apt that is to happen.

A good book, The Complete Self-Care Guide to Holistic Medicine, introduced me to the wellness wheel. The concept reinforces the idea that the only way to complete wellness is to make sure that all the cogs in the wheel of your life are worked on. The cogs are relationships, physical health, mental health, career, etc. To be well it is important to succeed in each of these areas. I believe that, in order to achieve that, The Secret must be learned.

So my main focus right now in my wellness plan is to have better positive self talk about all my symptoms. I may have brain fog, I may have cognitive dysfunction, but my heart is making up for it. I'm loving more and allowing more love into my life which is something I've never done before. I'm trying something new and focusing on the good of love and it's being returned. Now all I have to do is do that with my health and I will begin to feel better.

Belief is half the battle and that's where I'm getting stuck. I'm having a difficult time believing that the cannabis oil will work. Right now I'm on Day 10 of the new cannabis oil long term study. I've had to back track so that I can slowly increase my dosage so that other neurological patients can benefit from my experience and experiment. I had wonderful success with the short term study and this long term study will not be any different as long as I utilize other components of my wellness plan. The steps to wellness must begin with belief. As long as I have belief that I will get well then it will be so!

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Wellness Journal | Symptom: Pins & Needles in my Hands

Numb. Tingling left ring finger, middle, index, and thumb. Entire hand hurts. Unable to hold anything in it or lift it.

Both arms have problems, but the left hand has the worst pins and needle feelings that generally occur in the morning after waking.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Progress | Dysfunction Junction Part 4

Continued from Dysfunction Junction Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

Yesterday I went to the emergency room because I had horrible brain fog and a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I did not go to the emergency room the night before when I had that terrible episode and I regretted my decision.

I spoke to my sister on the phone and I was telling her about the episode and how I was feeling and we mutually agreed that I should go to the emergency room.

I was anxious. I had been anxious all morning and I couldn't shake it. I was in tears and I didn't want to go to the emergency room when Bill came home from work to take me. I felt bad asking him to quit working, but I was so grateful that the minute I mentioned the word "hospital" he said, "Let's go." I gathered up my kindle and my purse and we headed out the door.

I was already not feeling right and all of a sudden my head started that weird tic thing that started this past Saturday. I was instantly embarrassed and it made me tear up. I started walking funny, started arching my feet while walking just like this past Saturday. When the nurse was checking me in I was having balance issues so they let me sit down. My neck was working overtime so much that it was starting to hurt from the tension.

They got me a wheelchair (I was looking pretty crazy by then) and wheeled me into the drab emergency room. The nurse asked me questions and when she left I had another episode just like the one from the night before. Bill went out to get the nurse so she could see it, but she never came into witness it.  I had three more episodes while we waited.

The PA came in. I was disappointed it wasn't a doctor. He said he had ordered some tests, but didn't tell us what they were. A nurse came in and did an EKG even though there was nothing wrong with my heart.

I felt like all of this was an effort in futility. I asked the nurse if the doctor was going to come into see me because I needed an EEG. She looked at me funny before answering that they didn't have one there. My heart sank and I sighed. We left within ten minutes.

I made an appointment yesterday before going to the hospital to see my Primary Care Physician. We felt that it was important to keep the appointment because I need a referral to see Dr. Jankovic, a neurologist and movement disorder specialist in Houston, and because I wanted his advice about what to do since I'm in-between neurologists. (He thinks he's a guru, by the way.)

Dr. Killian listened to me and took his time. We discussed what had happened and he spoke about partial seizures being a possible answer as to what is happening to me, but in the same breath he cautioned me about using the word "seizures" to describe what's happening to me to doctors. He said it's best not to do that so I don't get a false diagnosis. I kinda think that's ludicrous, but am willing to operate on the side of caution. He gave me prescriptions for some blood work to test for autoimmune diseases and an EEG.

The minute I came home I crashed for a two hour nap which I desperately needed. I'm still trying to make up for that lost night of sleep I had this week. Throughout this ordeal I haven't slept much. I've been anxious. I've been a weepy mess. I've been so very negative. It's like I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I was so focused on this diagnosis or lack there of. It's so incredibly frustrating to see these doctors. I started thinking woe is me. I started thinking that this is all in my head because the doctors all say so. The only thing that's in my head is negativity. I need to replace it with vital positive thoughts. I cannot continue to go down this path because it is not the path to wellness. So, negativity and I had a chat and we broke up!

Now my train seems a little happier. Still on course. Still chugging along without my authorization, but at least the horizon ahead is looking sunny, blue and full of white fluffy clouds.